Overcoming the relentless anxiety of trying to "make it" as a professional writer
In several ways, I am already a professional writer. Earning my undergraduate degree in journalism, I've published hundreds of articles in newspapers and online magazines. Even before that, I did my high school senior internship at the local weekly paper and freelanced for them over the summer, earning money by writing six articles (at $50 a pop, that was not too shabby for 17-year-old Dinah).Now come take a big time jump with me to today, when I'm well beyond a decade into my career as a professional marketer (re: public relations/content marketing/communications worker).I've been getting paid to write over 15 years.
With that self-validation, I can say confidently and without a quiver in my voice that I'm a professional writer. But, that's not the way I mean professional writer. I want to write books, on the topics I want and feel I need to write, and publish those stories in the traditional method. Meaning: get a literary agent, get a book deal, get published.Sounds so simple. It's not. It's a patience game. It's numbers game. It's a soul-defining calling that lasts your entire life and requires nonstop perseverance and commitment to your craft.And that's the stage I'm in. The getting started piece. It's exhilarating. And nerve-wracking. But mostly fun.I've finished a book. It's been edited, beta read, critiqued at a conference, revised, and revised again. It's out in the world as I query literary agents in the hopes that one will connect with the story, and then to me, and then we can work together happily ever after turning my stories into paper and ink. This process can take anywhere from days and weeks, to years and decades.Fortunately, I have friends who've forged the path ahead of me. Three in particular, are agented. Two of whom have sold their debuts and are working toward 2021 publication dates. It's beyond exciting (for them) but also for me. It's been an education hearing their tales from the query trenches, their trials and tribulations with editor revisions and to learn firsthand what pitfalls I should be actively trying to avoid.The anxiety comes in from the nagging little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying, "what if you're not good enough?" That voice chirps up frequently, adding in musings along the thinking of, "what if the story is too boring?"And then the gates are blown wide open for the deluge of seesawing emotions. The constant battle between self-aggrandizing confidence and near-paralyzing insecurity.
For the most part, my workday and busy social life keep me bobbing safely above these dark and twisty inner depths of my own brain. But it's not so easy to stay in the light. Which is why, having a realistic approach to the whole "trying to make it in the publishing world as a writer" thing is what will keep us healthy and sane.Even in the last week alone, I've been told no fewer than a dozen times by more than four people that "it is all so subjective." And it is! Think about how many books you truly love, that speak to your soul, that you want to tell everyone and anyone about. Can you think of more than five? If so, wow, go you! If not, that makes perfect sense because human beings are nuanced, weird, needy beings that want to feel the thing. They want to feel it. Reading is pleasurable and educational and fulfilling in so many different ways. Which is why it's a tricky, tricky business to find the literary agent ONE.The way to show yourself (and specifically, myself) kindness is to keep trying. Never give up and don't stop believing and all those sentiments that mean go until there is nowhere left to go. I'm going to keep sending out queries, attending conferences, pitching in Twitter events and applying to writing residencies. There isn't a world in which I will stop myself from jotting down ideas for new poems or ranting in my Notes app on the train with the beginnings of a new personal essay on some menial or grandiose grievance or other.Why? Honestly? Because it's so much damn fun.
I had a ball giving in to my subconscious' pre-5am wakeup call. This went on for months as I got out the first draft out of my book. It's been endlessly entertaining watching uneven bar video clips and revisiting some of my old haunts in Astoria (even if only in my mind) as I work on a new story about a woman who is so far beyond her breaking point she's attempting to climb out of her rock-bottom spiral by digging deep into her past.So why would I want to stop? The answer is easy: I won't. How do you overcome the nausea-inducing anxiety of wanting to be published? Share in the comments!